Cast of Characters

 Hazel  Jamie  McPedro  Jameson
Hazel Tellington
“The Lush”
Secret skill:
English degree, hahaha.
Secret weapon: Disdain.
Her secret: She actually likes you.
Jamie McJack
“The Rack”
Secret skill:
It’s no secret.
Secret weapon: Tank tops.
Her secret: Mystery romance novels.
The Talking Irish SCIRISH Cactus
Secret skill:
Can drink heavily, despite being a cactus.
Secret weapon: His charming accent.
His secret: Gay French mustache.
The Hot Barista
Secret skill:
Can and will guess your favorite drink.
Secret weapon: French press + thermometer + timer = perfect.
His secret: He’s sensitive.
 Clarice  Maureen  Candy  Chris
Domme Librarian
Secret skill:
Can guess condom size correctly 90% of the time.
Secret weapon: Scowl Of Doom.
Her secret: Saturday evening domination.

The Blog Girl
(Married to Jameson)
Secret skill:
She types faster than you.
Secret weapon: Wrist brace.
Her secret: She kind of enjoys forum drama.

“The Carnivore”
Secret skill:
Ruining everything.
Secret weapon: Meat.
Her secret: She’s just lonely.
“The Pirate”
Secret skill: Falling in love with everyone.
Secret weapon: Eye patch.
His secret: He likes this girl, see…
 Zach  Thea  Erin  Darren
The Studly Cabbie
(attached to Hazel)
Secret skill:
He’s everybody’s DD.
Secret weapon: A ratchet set and his car manual.
His secret: He’s even nicer than you think.
The Lonely Lesbian
Secret skill:
Memorizes the new AP style every year.
Secret weapon: Red pen, bookish charm.
Her secret: She would really like a goddamn girlfriend.
… not “Aaron.”
(Jamie’s girlfriend… right?)

Secret skill:
Turning frowns upside-down!
Secret weapon: Adorable freckled blush.
Her secret: She’s not so sure about sex.
Lady in Disguise
Secret skill:
Six-inch heels.
Secret weapon: Barbasol, lots of it.
His secret: He’s doing Kegels right now.
 Angel  Melody  Jim Tyler
The Magical Bartender
Secret skill:
A drink for every occasion!
Secret weapon: Top-shelf vodka and limes.
Her secret: Monogamous relationships bore her.
The Quiet Genius
(Chris’s girlfriend)
Secret skill:
Secret weapon: Limitless texting plan.
Her secret: She’s too smart for you.
“That Guy”
Secret skill:
Driving off women.
Secret weapon: Height. He can see you from a mile away.
His secret: He’s even less experienced than you think.
Secret skill:
Ability to weird out grown women.
Secret weapon: His graphing calculator.
His secret: Sex terrifies him. (He still likes boobies, though.)
Fluffy Sprinkles ChooChoo Bear Special K
Jamie’s bosom kitty
Secret skill:
Making a cleavage bed.
Secret weapon: Something with fire.
Her secret: Keep your claws tucked in, always look cross-eyed.
Hazel’s insane kitty
Secret skill:
Making stars come out of her head.
Secret weapon: “DOOOOOOOOM.”
Her secret: She hasn’t quite plotted out the doom yet.
Choo-Choo Bear
The Babydaddy
Secret skill:
Turning to goo and traveling through pipes.
Secret weapon: He’s pink and loveable.
His secret: He’s famous:
Special K.
“The Special One”
(Lives with Maureen and Jameson)
Secret skill:
Too cute to ignore.
Secret weapon: Effed-up fangs.
His secret: He just wants to snuggle.
Robyn Mimi Maya Carol
Hazel’s cousin
Secret skill:
Her mom is your aunt.
Secret weapon: Duct tape and beer.
Her secret: She comes from another planet. called All New Issues.
Lesbian on wheels
(Thea’s lady)
Secret skill: A mean step-check.
Secret weapon: Iron bones.
Her secret: Her job involves a lot of dick.
Thea’s sis
Secret skill:
Shrugging off cancer.
Secret weapon: Costume jewelry.
Her secret: Having an adorable daughter gets you lots of free stuff.
Hazel’s mama
Secret skill: World’s best mac & cheese.
Secret weapon: Casserole dishes.
Her secret: Reading the new library releases before shelving them.