Cast of Characters
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| Hazel Tellington “The Lush” Secret skill: English degree, hahaha. Secret weapon: Disdain. Her secret: She actually likes you. |
Jamie McJack “The Rack” Secret skill: It’s no secret. Secret weapon: Tank tops. Her secret: Mystery romance novels. |
McPedro The Talking Irish SCIRISH Cactus Secret skill: Can drink heavily, despite being a cactus. Secret weapon: His charming accent. His secret: Gay French mustache. |
Jameson The Hot Barista Secret skill: Can and will guess your favorite drink. Secret weapon: French press + thermometer + timer = perfect. His secret: He’s sensitive. |
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| Clarice Domme Librarian Secret skill: Can guess condom size correctly 90% of the time. Secret weapon: Scowl Of Doom. Her secret: Saturday evening domination. |
Maureen |
Candy “The Carnivore” Secret skill: Ruining everything. Secret weapon: Meat. Her secret: She’s just lonely. |
Chris “The Pirate” Secret skill: Falling in love with everyone. Secret weapon: Eye patch. His secret: He likes this girl, see… |
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| Zach The Studly Cabbie (attached to Hazel) Secret skill: He’s everybody’s DD. Secret weapon: A ratchet set and his car manual. His secret: He’s even nicer than you think. |
Thea The Lonely Lesbian Secret skill: Memorizes the new AP style every year. Secret weapon: Red pen, bookish charm. Her secret: She would really like a goddamn girlfriend. |
Erin … not “Aaron.” (Jamie’s girlfriend… right?) Secret skill: Turning frowns upside-down! Secret weapon: Adorable freckled blush. Her secret: She’s not so sure about sex. |
Darren Lady in Disguise Secret skill: Six-inch heels. Secret weapon: Barbasol, lots of it. His secret: He’s doing Kegels right now. |
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| Angel The Magical Bartender Secret skill: A drink for every occasion! Secret weapon: Top-shelf vodka and limes. Her secret: Monogamous relationships bore her. |
Melody The Quiet Genius (Chris’s girlfriend) Secret skill: Lip-reading. Secret weapon: Limitless texting plan. Her secret: She’s too smart for you. |
Jim “That Guy” Secret skill: Driving off women. Secret weapon: Height. He can see you from a mile away. His secret: He’s even less experienced than you think. |
Tyler “BOOOOOOBIES” Secret skill: Ability to weird out grown women. Secret weapon: His graphing calculator. His secret: Sex terrifies him. (He still likes boobies, though.) |
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| Fluffy Jamie’s bosom kitty Secret skill: Making a cleavage bed. Secret weapon: Something with fire. Her secret: Keep your claws tucked in, always look cross-eyed. |
Sprinkles Hazel’s insane kitty Secret skill: Making stars come out of her head. Secret weapon: “DOOOOOOOOM.” Her secret: She hasn’t quite plotted out the doom yet. |
Choo-Choo Bear The Babydaddy Secret skill: Turning to goo and traveling through pipes. Secret weapon: He’s pink and loveable. His secret: He’s famous: somethingpositive.net |
Special K. “The Special One” (Lives with Maureen and Jameson) Secret skill: Too cute to ignore. Secret weapon: Effed-up fangs. His secret: He just wants to snuggle. |
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| Robyn Hazel’s cousin Secret skill: Her mom is your aunt. Secret weapon: Duct tape and beer. Her secret: She comes from another planet. called All New Issues. |
Mimi Lesbian on wheels (Thea’s lady) Secret skill: A mean step-check. Secret weapon: Iron bones. Her secret: Her job involves a lot of dick. |
Maya Thea’s sis Secret skill: Shrugging off cancer. Secret weapon: Costume jewelry. Her secret: Having an adorable daughter gets you lots of free stuff. |
Carol Hazel’s mama Secret skill: World’s best mac & cheese. Secret weapon: Casserole dishes. Her secret: Reading the new library releases before shelving them. |
